


year by year

by jasondean



Category: Spring Awakening - Sheik/Sater
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-28
Updated: 2016-08-28
Packaged: 2018-08-11 15:24:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 939
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7897879
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jasondean/pseuds/jasondean
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>hanschen rilow is sarcastic, he is cynical, he is a lone wolf, and he is a boy who falls in love far too easily, but he likes it that way. (actually, he cant really change.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	year by year

i.  
you are in second grade when you first realize you are special  
because you dont even have to ask what 'gifted' means  
there is only one other boy who is pulled out of class  
and you both are praised, rewarded  
pushed to do useless activities to trick yourself  
to trick your parents  
into the illusion of intelligent superiority  
  


ii.  
you are in third grade when you first learn his name  
even as a child, you have one goal:  
achieve and leave  
no room for names  
but you dont have much of a choice  
"melchior gabor. you never asked me."  
burning eyes and pursed lips  
"your name is rilow. hanschen rilow."  
its the prodigy who first learns your name  
  


iii.  
you are in fourth grade when he lends you his company  
you never asked, of course  
but he does so anyway  
and he talks enough for the both of you  
(despite you telling him time and time again you dont care)  
maybe you dont mind not eating alone  
maybe you dont mind listening to ramblings from the prodigy  
with a soft face and stars in his eyes  
  


iv.  
you are in fifth grade when you accept you are different  
not special -- different  
melchior is special  
smart, friendly, charming  
you are different  
watchful, snarky, alone  
(usually alone)  
youre an early bloomer physically and mentally  
yet youre left with a baby face they still can tease  
you dont think you are better than them  
you know you are  
  


v.  
you are in sixth grade when you hear it  
not for the first time, but the first time its directed at you  
and its not malicious when he asks;  
"are you gay?"  
no, im not, who said i was, tell me who melchior, i thought you didnt listen to rumors, i thought,  
"jesus. calm down, i was just asking."  
except its not as simple as that  
because it cant be so simple that it causes you to stay up half the night  
trying to get that word out of your brain  
because you dont kiss boys  
(but you havent kissed a girl, either)  
because you dont like boys  
(but you know every angle and contour of their bodies)  
because you arent gay  
you are just observant  
  


vi.  
you are in seventh grade when you get into your first fight  
your cheek still burns from where it collided with his fist  
your ribs still bruise from where you felt his boot  
melchior once told you he only fights with his words  
you suppose he lied, then  
unless its your own fault for igniting him  
stiefel is stupid, stiefel is ugly, stiefel is a fucking fool  
(i dont understand why you like him more than me)  
"youre just jealous  
i always knew you were a fag."  
  


vii.  
you are in eighth grade when you lose your virginity  
to a boy even more cynical than you  
and twice as resentful too  
hes two years above you  
the pretty boy who skips third period to smoke and plays hard to get  
with every girl in school who falls for him  
he doesnt make you feel loved  
or special  
or really all that different  
but you are not traditional  
so you dont care that its in the backseat of his car  
or that he doesnt bother to take his jacket off  
or that he leaves bruises and makes you choke and swallow and sputter  
he might be rough  
but you are too  
  


viii.  
you are in ninth grade when you meet someone who matters  
a someone who manages to catch your attention when youve put up all your walls  
years and years ago  
"do you know where 2210 is? sorry, im new, my name is ernst."  
he moved from austria and he arrived at school a week late  
he is not very smart, not in the academic way you are  
but from late nights in his room pouring over textbooks and homework  
you learn he is, in his own right, a genius  
because only a genius can make you feel like this  
can make you yearn for more time  
he hands you twenty-five dollars in cash and you pause before leaving  
you ask him if he wants to see a movie next sunday  
he has the purest smile  
you do not want to dirty him  
  
  
ix.  
you are in tenth grade when you attend your first funeral  
for stupid, ugly, fucking depressed stiefel who took his life with his own hands  
the prodigy returns with dry eyes and clenched fists  
he does not look at you, and you dont look at him  
hes angry at the world  
hes fragile and chipped  
you dont pity him, instead you relate  
you spend the night going through a dangerous amount of alcohol  
with him you laugh and you cry and you drink and drink and drink  
you have messy sex at three in the morning  
you slip into sleep with his hands still on you  
his face is millimeters from yours  
you taste his tears like they are your own  
  


x.   
you are in eleventh grade when he kisses you  
the prodigy has been gone for ages, disappeared into the shadows  
and for some reason you think of him when ernst kisses you  
hes soft and loving and steady and shy  
he is not angry and he does not hate  
(you dont know if you like that or not)  
he asks you out to dinner  
you change your outfit three times and put on your fathers cologne  
you think you can love like him  
you want to love like him  
you want, you want, you want  
and you are hopeful

**Author's Note:**

> *drops weird vent-ish shit after 50 year absence* lol hey guys hows it hangin


End file.
